My Family

My Family

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Solitude

(**This is not to be interpeted as a sad post. It was actually written with great joy in my heart, and I was hoping to share some of that joy with you!**)

It's an interesting thing to live away from the general hustle and bustle of what we call "life".
Our home is located a fair distance from the heart of our city.
People don't just drop in as they are passing by.
It's definitely purposeful when someone is in our "neighborhood".
It's actually what I would consider one of the perks of where we live.

Except sometimes I get somewhat lonely.
I think how nice it would be to have someone drive by, see us in the yard, and stop to chat.
Or how much I would like to wave to my neighbor next door, or invite them over for lunch and a quick chat.

I used to try and run from this feeling of loneliness and watch things I would never put into action...Food Network, Home and Garden TV, or anything else that just let me "be" somewhere else for a while.
I would call anyone and everyone I could think of, just to chat.
(And if you know me, I'm not really a chatty person).
Really, I didn't want to be, you know, ALONE.

This spring, I was given one of the biggest trials, and biggest blessings of my life.
I spent 2 months feeling absolutely, completely, heartachingly forgotten.
Everyone I had depended on for moral support was busy.
It wasn't that they didn't care, I knew they did, but they just weren't available.
Things were more hectic and everyone was more occupied than I had ever experienced in my life with good, close friends and family.
I seriously floundered emotionally.
I could not figure out where to turn, because regardless of where I turned, there were no soft arms to fall into, no shoulders to cry on, and no one to pick up the pieces I was frantically trying to put into place.
And realistically, I knew that I was struggling, because honestly, there is too much going on in my life and too many people depending on me for me to operate without any support.

I would be lying to tell you that there weren't bright spots.
Occassionally someone would call, just to say "I'm thinking of you", not for a favor, but because they really cared.
I got a note in the mail that made me feel incredibly special.
A simple smile or heartfelt "How are you?" when I saw someone I knew buoyed me up for much longer than the giver could have imagined.
But those were spots that did not begin to touch the depth of loneliness in my heart.

I still remember the night when I decided I was finished feeling this way (READ--seriously seeking a solution, NOT suicidal guys, c'mon...!).
I simply did not want to continue experiencing the sadness in my heart I was dealing with.
I had reached a point where I seriously needed to know someone cared, and I knew I had to have support from somewhere to be able to go forward emotionally.

I did the only thing I knew that was left to do.
I prayed.
It wasn't a simple, "I need help!" prayer.
No, this was a gut-wrenching, honest, lay it all on the table prayer of, "I don't know where else to turn, Heavenly Father. I need a friend. Someone who can be there for me NOW...because I'm not feeling the support I need from anyone around me."
And yes, there were tears involved.

It's always amazing to me when we put that scripture to the test, you know the one that says, "Ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you?" how quickly the answers come.
I didn't get a phone call or a letter that night.
My husband didn't come put his arms around me and tell me everything was going to get better.
Instead, I was reminded of the absolute love and peace that our Savior, Jesus Christ offers us.
His love, His friendship, His acceptance, is the purest, strongest, most real love we will ever encounter in our lives.
And it's always there for us.
Always.
And it's so real, and so strong, that once you have felt it in your life, it's impossible to say you are alone anymore.

So, on days like today, when I am feeling a little lonely, instead of running from this feeling like I used to, and finding ways to escape it, I simply know this:
I simply need to make a little more time in my day to reconnect with God, to re-establish that relationship that I have let slip a little, and let Him know He is important to me too.
And when I make the time for that, you know what?

I know now what I should have known all along,
With the Savior as my constant guide and friend,
I'll never feel completely alone again.

9 comments:

Pat said...

There it is. Your heart is beating there on your sleave and no one knows what to say because what you just said completely catches them off guard. This is not the forum for in depth discussion. Just know that I love you. I'm glad you know our Saviour's love even more.

Dana said...

Big Hugs Kristine!

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

I'm guessing you and Pat are... related? :)

You know, I hate to use a cliche, but it's like that poem about the footprints - "It was then that I carried you." Sometimes you do feel completely alone in your problems and that's when you find out the sweetest thing Heavenly Father has to offer - He knows and loves you dearly. If you're constantly being built up by others, you don't ever have the opportunity to find that out. Not that being built up by others is a bad thing, but I think sometimes He has to sweep that all away to say, "And I love you, too..."

Amanda said...

What a powerful post! Thanks for sharing. I often have similar feelings. I tend to be a shy to myself type person and have struggled since we moved away from my family. I have a really close friend that I depend on a lot, but I do get to feeling lonely sometimes.
Thanks for the reminder of our Savior's love for us and that we must never forget that.

Kristine said...

Pat--We'll just have that in depth discussion when you get home tonight! I do know you love me. Thanks for your constant love and support.

Dana--Thanks. Hugs always help me feel good.

TMM--You expressed EXACTLY the core sentiment I was trying to convey, Millie. And yes, Pat is my husband. Thanks for your comment.

Kristine said...

Amanda--We must have been typing our comments at the same time. When mine published, yours showed up too.

I actually consider myself very shy at heart too, so I understand where you are coming from.

Thanks for your comment, and I'm glad you're here!

My Full Hands said...

I like my privacy, but a recent move out of the heart of our ward left me feeling a bit lonley too. I missed my neighbors across the street that I could stand outside and chat with and the friends that would drive by and wave. But I have the same friend that you do - the one who is always there when I need Him :).

Karina said...

Thank's Aunt Kris. Know that we love you too! Big hugs and kisses to you, Uncle Pat, and the cousins!

Lori said...

This is lovely! Yes,yes! God is your best friend, you're never really alone. I think we all have our times of feeling "alone". This was touching. Thanks for sharing it.