Tonight I got into the car to return some books back to the library.
(Don't be thinking I'm doing well with that...I had paid the (*monstrous, out of control, could have bought a few of those books with it*) fine and wanted to avoid accruing anything new on my account.
About 3 miles down the road, I realized it was the first time in a REALLY long time that I had been alone.
Sometimes I'm not sure what to do when I'm alone.
(I like to think) I'm a fairly engaged mom when my kids are with me, and while I wasn't necessarily missing the conversation(s), I was just aware that there wasn't anyone who needed anything from me.
I have gone through periods of my life where I am religious about creating time on my own...even paying someone I trust to watch my kids so that I can just be Kristine, instead of mommy or sweetheart or any of the other roles I fill.
I haven't been so good about that lately.
And I realized tonight that I miss that time alone.
Mostly because I take time to evaluate how I really *AM*, without any interruptions.
But while I miss it, I'm hesitant to jump back into creating that time for myself either...and I'm not sure why.
I think part of it is just that I don't know what to do with my time.
What I want to do.
How I need to change...and I know that time alone encourages growth.
So I need to decide...am I ready?
Ready to grow?
Rediscover ME?
My Family
Saturday, April 06, 2013
Monday, April 01, 2013
Honestly
Four and a half years ago I moved to a neighborhood where blogging was the norm...but with a new twist for me.
Everyone wanted to read my blog...about me...and my family...but they knew me in person too.
It freaked me out.
A lot.
I had lived in a town where most people didn't know or even really care what a blog was, and I had become very accustomed to the anonymous nature that I believed my blog afforded me.
While I love the nature of blogging, I felt that I couldn't honestly be myself within the new parameters that were drawn for me.
However, I think I've reached a point where I care more about blogging for myself and my posterity than I do about what others think about when they read what I write.
Which makes me laugh, because at this point, honestly, I might have one reader still with me.
So...again, I'll tell you I'm blogging....beginning today.
Sigh.
I've said that a lot.
I hope I can open my heart and bring myself back to the blog (which is right where I've belonged all along).
Honestly.
Everyone wanted to read my blog...about me...and my family...but they knew me in person too.
It freaked me out.
A lot.
I had lived in a town where most people didn't know or even really care what a blog was, and I had become very accustomed to the anonymous nature that I believed my blog afforded me.
While I love the nature of blogging, I felt that I couldn't honestly be myself within the new parameters that were drawn for me.
However, I think I've reached a point where I care more about blogging for myself and my posterity than I do about what others think about when they read what I write.
Which makes me laugh, because at this point, honestly, I might have one reader still with me.
So...again, I'll tell you I'm blogging....beginning today.
Sigh.
I've said that a lot.
I hope I can open my heart and bring myself back to the blog (which is right where I've belonged all along).
Honestly.
Wednesday, August 01, 2012
On Being One
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| Sweet Natalie...on her first birthday. Where has the time gone? |
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| Birthday outfit courtesy of a sweet friend, Kristen DiGirolomo. |
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| Opening and playing with her gift |
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| She loved her cake and frosting. I'm sure her smile had nothing to do with all the attention. :) |
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
And So, I Write
I am a writer.
It is something I have known, deep within myself, for my entire life.
The gift I have been given, as a writer, came with me to this life, from the pre-existence.
That reality reverberates within my heart each time I contemplate the truth of that statement.
For me, the question that I desire to answer is not "Will I write?", instead, the answer I seek is "WHAT will I write?".
My days are filled with searching, seeking the words that put my feelings, my thoughts, my impressions, into the world in a way that others can understand and relate to.
Amid the routines (and the surprises) that caring for a large family bring to my life, I see words that jump out at me, sentences that replay themselves in my mind, and phrases that warm my heart.
And so I write.
I write sporadically, in various places.
Sometimes a scribbled note in a margin of a book, or on a loose paper is enough to suffice, to quell the desire to create, for a time.
Other times, the words spill out, flowing easily from my mind, coming out just so, and reflecting the thoughts of my mind perfectly.
And sometimes, I sit, waiting for the words to come forth.
Struggling to get the thoughts to flow and piece themselves together in some order, some semblance of order that will make sense to myself, and perhaps, eventually, to others.
And sometimes, the words don't come.
Yet still, I write.
Haltingly,
unsure of the direction I should go,
following the impression, no, more than that, following the certainty, the assuredness I have within...
the certainty that despite my weaknesses and my insecurities,
I am a writer.
Yesterday,
Today,
and Tomorrow.
Seeking my voice, desirous to know what it is exactly I need to do with this God-given talent and knowledge.
Hoping that the journey and the detours it will present will reveal answers to my mind and to my soul and help me find the voice, the story that needs to be told.
I am a writer.
And so, I write.
It is something I have known, deep within myself, for my entire life.
The gift I have been given, as a writer, came with me to this life, from the pre-existence.
That reality reverberates within my heart each time I contemplate the truth of that statement.
For me, the question that I desire to answer is not "Will I write?", instead, the answer I seek is "WHAT will I write?".
My days are filled with searching, seeking the words that put my feelings, my thoughts, my impressions, into the world in a way that others can understand and relate to.
Amid the routines (and the surprises) that caring for a large family bring to my life, I see words that jump out at me, sentences that replay themselves in my mind, and phrases that warm my heart.
And so I write.
I write sporadically, in various places.
Sometimes a scribbled note in a margin of a book, or on a loose paper is enough to suffice, to quell the desire to create, for a time.
Other times, the words spill out, flowing easily from my mind, coming out just so, and reflecting the thoughts of my mind perfectly.
And sometimes, I sit, waiting for the words to come forth.
Struggling to get the thoughts to flow and piece themselves together in some order, some semblance of order that will make sense to myself, and perhaps, eventually, to others.
And sometimes, the words don't come.
Yet still, I write.
Haltingly,
unsure of the direction I should go,
following the impression, no, more than that, following the certainty, the assuredness I have within...
the certainty that despite my weaknesses and my insecurities,
I am a writer.
Yesterday,
Today,
and Tomorrow.
Seeking my voice, desirous to know what it is exactly I need to do with this God-given talent and knowledge.
Hoping that the journey and the detours it will present will reveal answers to my mind and to my soul and help me find the voice, the story that needs to be told.
I am a writer.
And so, I write.
5
My youngest son turned 5 today.
Back in 2007, I had unpacked all the girl things and put them into drawers awaiting the arrival of our Lydia.
Four times, yes, FOUR times, I was told a girl would soon be joining our family.
Upon HIS arrival, we had not even discussed boy names.
And yet, his name fits him perfectly.
It means "he laughed".
He played a joke on us that day, and hasn't stopped since.
He is laughing still, and brightening our lives each day he is with us.
With love...my sweet Isaac.
I'm so glad it was YOU who joined our family just 5 short years ago.
Back in 2007, I had unpacked all the girl things and put them into drawers awaiting the arrival of our Lydia.
Four times, yes, FOUR times, I was told a girl would soon be joining our family.
Upon HIS arrival, we had not even discussed boy names.
And yet, his name fits him perfectly.
It means "he laughed".
He played a joke on us that day, and hasn't stopped since.
He is laughing still, and brightening our lives each day he is with us.
With love...my sweet Isaac.
I'm so glad it was YOU who joined our family just 5 short years ago.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Full Circle
This week Pat was offered a job 20 minutes from our home.
Considering the fact that there are only a few industrial plants who need Environmental Compliance services within a 30 mile radius, we consider this a tender mercy.
When we stop and think that he wasn't even searching for another job, and he was called up "out of the blue" by a high school friend, we'll even call it a miracle.
Last year, we weren't sure what we needed to stay in the area for, but the feeling was overwhelmingly strong and sure.
Now, Pat will regain 2 hours for certain in his day as his commute changes to minimal.
The only thing closer would be working from home, and for now, that is not our answer.
Trusting the Lord has brought us full circle.
What a blessed place to be.
Considering the fact that there are only a few industrial plants who need Environmental Compliance services within a 30 mile radius, we consider this a tender mercy.
When we stop and think that he wasn't even searching for another job, and he was called up "out of the blue" by a high school friend, we'll even call it a miracle.
Last year, we weren't sure what we needed to stay in the area for, but the feeling was overwhelmingly strong and sure.
Now, Pat will regain 2 hours for certain in his day as his commute changes to minimal.
The only thing closer would be working from home, and for now, that is not our answer.
Trusting the Lord has brought us full circle.
What a blessed place to be.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
For What It's Worth
I find that I keep thinking to myself, "When things return to normal, I'll...".
I've decided this week though, that there is no normal.
Although I long for and dream of the lack of chaos, the reality is, with 8 children, there will be very few minutes or hours without some sort of chaos or craziness.
There are days when I spend the majority of the day running errands, chauffeuring someone to and from lessons or doctors.
There are days when, as a "stay-at-home" mom, I'm not at home at all, sometimes successively.
There are days when I do 6 loads of laundry, followed by days when I do none.
There are days when I cook for an army and days when I tell my children to fend for themselves...the youngest paired with an older sibling who can help them find something (semi) healthy to eat.
Recently however, I've had a paradigm shift.
About a month ago, I had a doctor tell me point blank I had a cancerous growth on my breast.
I made a flurry of appointments and doctor visits and dealt with the emotional roller-coaster that accompanies such a statement.
Despite the logical fear, again, both Pat and I had that persistent, recurrent peace that comes from God.
As the weeks have passed by and the tests and varying opinions have been gathered, more and more results pointed toward no cancer.
While that has been reassuring, my attitude and demeanor have changed.
Today I waited over 1 1/2 hours in a doctor's office to be seen.
In the past I would have been more than highly irritated.
While I had a time I HAD to leave by, I was waiting relatively patiently...simply because I was glad to be there, not having to deal with more serious health challenges and concerns.
My heart has been softened to do more than JUST ENDURE the daily struggles that come from raising children, to LOOK FOR THE JOY in even the difficult moments.
If I can share some wisdom with you, it would be just that: Don't endure each day, enjoy it. Find the joy, actively seek the positive and build the relationships that are in your life. You won't regret a minute or an hour or a day that you spend that way.
For what it's worth.
I've decided this week though, that there is no normal.
Although I long for and dream of the lack of chaos, the reality is, with 8 children, there will be very few minutes or hours without some sort of chaos or craziness.
There are days when I spend the majority of the day running errands, chauffeuring someone to and from lessons or doctors.
There are days when, as a "stay-at-home" mom, I'm not at home at all, sometimes successively.
There are days when I do 6 loads of laundry, followed by days when I do none.
There are days when I cook for an army and days when I tell my children to fend for themselves...the youngest paired with an older sibling who can help them find something (semi) healthy to eat.
Recently however, I've had a paradigm shift.
About a month ago, I had a doctor tell me point blank I had a cancerous growth on my breast.
I made a flurry of appointments and doctor visits and dealt with the emotional roller-coaster that accompanies such a statement.
Despite the logical fear, again, both Pat and I had that persistent, recurrent peace that comes from God.
As the weeks have passed by and the tests and varying opinions have been gathered, more and more results pointed toward no cancer.
While that has been reassuring, my attitude and demeanor have changed.
Today I waited over 1 1/2 hours in a doctor's office to be seen.
In the past I would have been more than highly irritated.
While I had a time I HAD to leave by, I was waiting relatively patiently...simply because I was glad to be there, not having to deal with more serious health challenges and concerns.
My heart has been softened to do more than JUST ENDURE the daily struggles that come from raising children, to LOOK FOR THE JOY in even the difficult moments.
If I can share some wisdom with you, it would be just that: Don't endure each day, enjoy it. Find the joy, actively seek the positive and build the relationships that are in your life. You won't regret a minute or an hour or a day that you spend that way.
For what it's worth.
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