On following

I'm reminded often that "The Lord is in the details".
From where we live to those whom we live near & interact with on a regular basis, our paths don't cross by chance, and our actions do not simply impact us alone.

I have wondered lately, as I have watched my father-in-law leave this world what impact I will have on the world around me.
It's not important to me to be known by many...but rather, I pray that those who did know me will be better for having associated with me.
If I can buoy others up, strengthen them in their weaknesses, and follow the path I feel the Lord has for me, it will be enough.

If I could dream large though, even for a minute or two:
I would love to write...more than I do.
I would love to be a motivational speaker, and strengthen & guide others on their life path.
I would love to serve a mission or two (or three).
I would love to raise my family in righteousness and watch my grandchildren grow up near me.
I would love to lose over 100 pounds and be able to do many things actively with my husband and family into my later years.
I would love to have an original card design published.

But most importantly, I would like to go to bed each night knowing that I had done what the Lord needed me to do...
following the still small voice that prompts me in His path & in His way.
And if my dreams don't come to fruition, ultimately, I will have the peace of knowing God knows the details that will bring me the most happiness and the most joy eternally.

And so...I trust.
And pray to hear His voice each day.
And follow.

Upon Awakening

Sleep evaded me last night.
Fitful tossing & turning made for interrupted & chaotic dreams (none of which I can remember now).

But then, I got to sleep in this morning...
a full 30 minutes longer than usual.

And as I sit here on the computer, clicking through my stamping blogs, the thought enters my mind:
Why do you do this?
Does it serve a purpose for you anymore?
(To turn the computer on first thing...before the kids are even gone and surf through ideas that ultimately 98% of the time end up having no bearing on my creativity).

I tell you...
Changes...they are ahead for me.
I can feel it.

So today, I will be evaluating all things technology laden and how they are impacting my life and the importance of them long term.

I'm not going away...that I promise.
But my routine will likely change in the days ahead.
Especially my morning routine.

For upon awaking, I want to feel focused and motivated.
Strengthened and blessed...and able to walk the path the Lord would have me on.
Not distracted and unengaged with those whom I love best, and most especially, not so distant from the Lord that I struggle to hear His voice & His direction in my life.

It's Over

General Conference that is.

I had high hopes this year that THIS conference would be the one where all of my children sat, listened, conversed politely with each other and with us, and truly enjoyed every moment of the 2 day conference.

My hopes weren't dashed, but they certainly weren't met either.

I don't know that they ever will be.
Perhaps they are unrealistic.
Perhaps.

And yet, perhaps, those expectations lead us to something that we wouldn't achieve without having set them in the first place.

I spent a couple of hours in the week leading up to conference printing off packets & activities for each child...bought new notebooks (on CLEARANCE nonetheless), and new pens and crayons so that we would have everything at our fingertips.

We chose the word PREPARE as our family word to focus for 2013, and I definitely felt that I was fulfilling that on Friday as I looked at what I had ready for my children for Saturday and Sunday.

And Saturday morning, I wasn't disappointed.  My kids all gathered in the loft, without prodding or encouragement, and found their packet and acted like they were going to actually listen...and they did!  I couldn't believe it.  It was the moment (well, the hours) I had dreamed of for 17 years.  Even the littlest two were compliant and pleasant.  HUGE, HUGE, HUGE for my family.

By Sunday afternoon, I felt like a completely different person in a completely different family.
Even the few minutes that President Monson spoke in the afternoon session was riddled with "Stop that please!" or "Be QUIET!" and finally..."Please just go into your room."
Sigh.

And that's my reality.

So I'll focus on one talk at a time, first for myself, and then prayerfully, consider what it is my family needs to learn...and we'll teach portions of it, 10 minutes at a time in Family Home Evening, or in quiet, individual moments with each child.

That much I can do.

And if I alone am changed, then it was enough.

Right?

Ready, Set...Grow?

Tonight I got into the car to return some books back to the library.
(Don't be thinking I'm doing well with that...I had paid the (*monstrous, out of control, could have bought a few of those books with it*) fine and wanted to avoid accruing anything new on my account.

About 3 miles down the road, I realized it was the first time in a REALLY long time that I had been alone.
Sometimes I'm not sure what to do when I'm alone.
(I like to think) I'm a fairly engaged mom when my kids are with me, and while I wasn't necessarily missing the conversation(s), I was just aware that there wasn't anyone who needed anything from me.

I have gone through periods of my life where I am religious about creating time on my own...even paying someone I trust to watch my kids so that I can just be Kristine, instead of mommy or sweetheart or any of the other roles I fill.
I haven't been so good about that lately.
And I realized tonight that I miss that time alone.
Mostly because I take time to evaluate how I really *AM*, without any interruptions.
But while I miss it, I'm hesitant to jump back into creating that time for myself either...and I'm not sure why.

I think part of it is just that I don't know what to do with my time.
What I want to do.
How I need to change...and I know that time alone encourages growth.

So I need to decide...am I ready?
Ready to grow?
Rediscover ME?

Honestly

Four and a half years ago I moved to a neighborhood where blogging was the norm...but with a new twist for me.
Everyone wanted to read my blog...about me...and my family...but they knew me in person too.
It freaked me out.
A lot.

I had lived in a town where most people didn't know or even really care what a blog was, and I had become very accustomed to the anonymous nature that I believed my blog afforded me.
While I love the nature of blogging, I felt that I couldn't honestly be myself within the new parameters that were drawn for me.

However, I think I've reached a point where I care more about blogging for myself and my posterity than I do about what others think about when they read what I write.
Which makes me laugh, because at this point, honestly, I might have one reader still with me.
So...again, I'll tell you I'm blogging....beginning today.

Sigh.
I've said that a lot.
I hope I can open my heart and bring myself back to the blog (which is right where I've belonged all along).
Honestly.