Infuriating Exhaustion

 Here I am, 4 months post covid.  And I'm still exhausted.  I'm in a forced season of slow down and stillness.  And while I'd like to say I'm handling it well, there are days when I wonder if that is true, or simply a figment of my imagination.  

(Written in January 2022)

Reality #1:  My body hurts.  Often.  In odd places.  It makes things like walking up and down the stairs a challenge, and workouts almost a form of torture.  My headaches this past week have been almost constant.  It would be easy to surrender and just lie in my bed everyday.  And...I am fighting.  Every day.  I am working to move my body in some form of exercise or in errands (even when almost every time it brings me to tears).  I have to continue to believe that my body, at some point, will recover and I will be able to function without excessive pain again.  

Reality #2:  Physical and mental exhaustion combined are an extremely challenging combination.  I have found that spending time on the computer brings the mental fatigue to the forefront.  I was hired to work with a company by the name of Virtual Crown in July (prior to covid) and have never been able to complete a session (averaging 3-4 hours) due to my mental fatigue.  After an hour or so my mental connections seem to glitch and "short".  Words and complete thoughts are hard to communicate.  My other job (subbing for seminary and institute), while not as challenging mentally (seminary teaching is repeated content/institute just 1 hour), is exhausting physically.  Standing, walking around a classroom and speaking at the same time is wholly draining.  I feel the energy leave within about 15-20 minutes and sweat will pour down my back as I push past those limits.  

Reality #3:  Being so still and literally struggling to do the very basics has led me to question my worth and value.  I have been repeatedly reminded by the Lord that I have value, EVEN IF I can do nothing.  He loves me.  And choosing Him and His path is enough.  My life and patterns of behavior have so long been caught up in the busyness of my tasks however, that I feel like I have stared into depths of darkness over the last 3 months especially.  I wonder if I still have a place in this world, and if it would be easier if I had just died from covid.  I'm not suicidal...let me be clear.  This is just a long, long, long road with seemingly no answers.  

Facing realities means I'm being brutally honest.  With honesty can come clarity.  That is what I am praying for.