Self Advocate

Why is it that taking care of myself feels like a daunting task?  I've been proactive for over 10 years in the self-care department, really digging for answers and looking for someone (anyone?!) who could give me direction as to how best navigate my myriad of health issues.  I'm over 50, and it finally doesn't feel selfish to be truly taking care of myself.  (Hallelujah.)  If anyone who is younger than 50 is reading this, here is your gentle reminder that taking care of yourself is truly what will allow you to take care of others as well.   So what does self care look like today?  

Today, it looked like getting myself to (yet another) Primary Care Physician's office to see if, perhaps, they would be a good fit for me.  (They seem to be).  I don't need placating words or a myriad of medicines to mask my real issues.  I've been searching for a doctor who really listens to me as an individual and doesn't treat me like a number in the queue.  I'm crossing my fingers I've landed in a place where we can start finding answers.  

Learning to become an advocate for myself has been one of the positive side effects of searching for my team of health care providers.  Speaking up, even when it's uncomfortable, not scheduling another appointment with a doctor who didn't listen, or doing research on my own so that I am armed with information to discuss with my doctors have been a few of the ways that I have advocated differently than I did when I was younger.  

I now have a list of 3 specialists to see, on top of the one I saw last week.  That's a LOT of appointments.  And I'm telling myself it's ok.  The goal is that I'll be a healthier, happier, and more functional after advocating for myself.  

Blowing off the dust

I have places in my home that desperately need dusted.  Some of them are in out of the way places and I just don't see them.  Some of the places are right in my line of sight, but I keep telling myself I'll make time for it, or that I'll get to it later.  The reality is this: Dusting hasn't been a priority.  I have so many other things I'd rather be doing. 

My writing is lot like that.  I've pushed it away, hidden it in drawers, or said I'll make time for it later.  I haven't.  Until today.  Today my writing becomes a priority again. It is the "something" I'd rather be doing.  Not because I have a specific story to tell, but because the writer's voice inside me has been neglected for far too long.  My commitment is to myself, and to 1 writer friend, and my guess is no one else will even know.  

And that's ok.  When's the last time you checked someone else's house for dust?  

Infuriating Exhaustion

 Here I am, 4 months post covid.  And I'm still exhausted.  I'm in a forced season of slow down and stillness.  And while I'd like to say I'm handling it well, there are days when I wonder if that is true, or simply a figment of my imagination.  

(Written in January 2022)

Reality #1:  My body hurts.  Often.  In odd places.  It makes things like walking up and down the stairs a challenge, and workouts almost a form of torture.  My headaches this past week have been almost constant.  It would be easy to surrender and just lie in my bed everyday.  And...I am fighting.  Every day.  I am working to move my body in some form of exercise or in errands (even when almost every time it brings me to tears).  I have to continue to believe that my body, at some point, will recover and I will be able to function without excessive pain again.  

Reality #2:  Physical and mental exhaustion combined are an extremely challenging combination.  I have found that spending time on the computer brings the mental fatigue to the forefront.  I was hired to work with a company by the name of Virtual Crown in July (prior to covid) and have never been able to complete a session (averaging 3-4 hours) due to my mental fatigue.  After an hour or so my mental connections seem to glitch and "short".  Words and complete thoughts are hard to communicate.  My other job (subbing for seminary and institute), while not as challenging mentally (seminary teaching is repeated content/institute just 1 hour), is exhausting physically.  Standing, walking around a classroom and speaking at the same time is wholly draining.  I feel the energy leave within about 15-20 minutes and sweat will pour down my back as I push past those limits.  

Reality #3:  Being so still and literally struggling to do the very basics has led me to question my worth and value.  I have been repeatedly reminded by the Lord that I have value, EVEN IF I can do nothing.  He loves me.  And choosing Him and His path is enough.  My life and patterns of behavior have so long been caught up in the busyness of my tasks however, that I feel like I have stared into depths of darkness over the last 3 months especially.  I wonder if I still have a place in this world, and if it would be easier if I had just died from covid.  I'm not suicidal...let me be clear.  This is just a long, long, long road with seemingly no answers.  

Facing realities means I'm being brutally honest.  With honesty can come clarity.  That is what I am praying for.